IC Inbox

[advanced]

This is the IC inbox for Bucky Barnes at Snowblind.

Network name: @bucky; formerly @j, @username, and @robertsmith

This is the place to contact Bucky over the Network. Contact by voice, text, or video is all perfectly acceptable, and there is no need to plot with me prior to posting in this inbox.

Any contact for @j following day 125, @username following day 190, or @robertsmith following day 224 will be met with the following message: USER NOT FOUND.

Comments

[advanced]

No, they're new, I know I'm not the only one.

[It's somehow easier to ignore those because he knows they're shared.]

I'm not going to make excuses for what I did.

[That's what it feels like the paranoia is, just an excuse to trivialise the choice he made and try and weasel out of the consequences.]

[redrooms]

You aren't. You've taken responsibility, but I need to know what's going on in your head.

[advanced]

[She knows he's responsible, that's comforting, so perhaps he can tell her.]

Even now I keep wondering when you're going to turn on me.

[That's what he means.]

It's constant, all the time for every person. I see the danger everywhere and it's getting worse all the time.

[He doesn't realise it's an MN effect, nor would it be particularly comforting if he did.]

I was better than this back home, I had control. Now I don't even know who I am any more.

[He is going to hate himself for saying all of this when the drugs wear off.]

[redrooms]

Oh, Bucky.

[She sighs softly.]

Can you think of any particular reason why? Anything that's happened since you arrived?

[advanced]

It's been worse since the Soldier was triggered.

[He doesn't even understand how he was triggered. The words weren't said, it shouldn't have happened.]

[redrooms]

"Triggered". How is it usually triggered? How does it work?

[advanced]

[He is silent for a very long time, almost half a minute.]

I don't want to talk about it.

[redrooms]

Okay.

[She's not going to push, because she knows how completely terrible these things can be to talk about.]

It sounds... different from what they did to the James I know. That's the only reason I asked.

[advanced]

[James. She always calls him James, the other him, and that's what she called him too when they met. Unfortunately for her serious conversation, his fuzzy brain latches onto that instead.]

--you can call me James if you want.

[redrooms]

[Now it's Natasha's turn to be silent, torn on how to answer. Her voice is much quieter when she finally replies.]

Is that what you want me to call you?

[advanced]

[He feels so tired of all of this, so confused, and the honest answer just comes out before he can filter it.]

I don't know who I am any more, it doesn't matter what you call me.

[redrooms]

It does matter.

[There's a reason she stayed the Black Widow even after defecting. Names have power, especially to people like them.]

Neither of us can go back to who we were, but that just means we need to keep moving. To be better. You're not the same man you were before HYDRA, but you're still Bucky.

[advanced]

[He knew that before.

He had felt like he was almost back to being Bucky, even a time or two here he had grasped that sense of self. It's why he told them to call him Bucky in the first place. But now he has no idea what he is, because the Bucky Barnes he's trying to be would never ever try and torture a man for information.

He sighs, a rough hiss of static.]

I'm not giving up.

[He's never given up yet, he's a survivor no matter what else he is. He doesn't want to answer the rest of that, so he'll just change the subject.]

We haven't left the aquarium yet, we can't start north until tomorrow or the day after.

[Yes, 'we', he's taking Watson with him incredibly enough.]

[redrooms]

[Maybe someday he'll stop dodging everything she says. Today is apparently not that day. She wishes she knew how to get through to him, but there's no point of connection, no real reason for him to trust her like she'd had with the Winter Soldier at home. She's not even sure anything she's saying really matters or resonates with him at all, which is frustrating. She's spent the past ten years clawing her way back to being a person, to letting herself trust her instincts again and the people around her, and she'd like to ease that transition for him, if he'll let her.

It just doesn't seem like he wants to let her.

She's quiet again for a moment, and then she finally decides to accept his topic shift, at least for now.]

"We"? Dr. Watson is coming with you?

[advanced]

Yeah.

[He can still hardly believe that either, it seems completely insane given what's happened.]

He can barely walk, he'll die if he tries to go alone.

[redrooms]

I'm glad that you're staying with him. We're looking for supplies for the two of you on our way down.

[advanced]

Thank you.

[Soft, barely audible.]

For coming to help.

[redrooms]

You're welcome. We're here for you, whatever you need.

[advanced]

The other Bucky is a lucky guy.

[Just a mumble, half out of it from the medication. But he means it, if these are the kind of friends and support he has, no wonder the other Bucky is doing so much better.]

[redrooms]

If the Avengers you have at home are anything like us, they'd help you in a heartbeat, too.

[advanced]

[He huffs the quietest of laughs. Because they're not, not if the information he has on them are accurate. They're nothing like these Avengers.]

Goodbye, Natasha.

[redrooms]

[She's getting sick of him ending the conversation as soon as she says something he doesn't like, so she sighs.]

Goodbye, Bucky. Stay safe.

[advanced]

[There's just the quietest:]

You too.

[And then the call disconnects.]