[All too many times before he's done this, lashed out with accusation out of sheer panic and unknowing what else to do. Fear and rage dance a circle around the root of hurt.]
I ain't seeking to do nothing against you. I'm giving you chance to take from me what you need made gone. And as long as you are in these meadous, I am not going to let anyone motherfucking hurt or use you like that! Neither will I let you hurt no one else! Even if you want me to forget who you are, I'll still motherfucking stop it!
[It ain't a promise of sentimentality. He won't allow this meadous to come to harm if he can help it. Bucky is only one piece of that. But it means it's a promise he can be sure of]
He has enough left about him to tell that Izzy is being genuine about what he'll do to make sure Bucky is comfortable, that he'll rip into his own mind and take out all the pieces that make him a threat. He should take him up on that. He should make sure he surgically removes every single memory that could hurt him, because this-- this is intolerable.
Izzy knows what was done to him in intimate detail, he knows the trigger words, surely it's the only solution to be safe. He can't be safe if he doesn't tell him to take it all out.]
No.
[The word sounds almost broken, ragged and harsh. He looks hunted even as he speaks, unable to go through with it.]
I can't-- I can't be the one to do that to someone else, you can't do that. I can't.
[He has to get out of there. It doesn't even matter that this is his house and he'll be leaving Izzy alone in it, he just knows he has to go. He's out of the house and gone in moments, running as fast as he's capable of doing, leaving the door ajar in his wake.]
[He hates this. He hates that he can't feel anything. He hates that whether he could or not, he's motherfucking useless.
He hates that he's the goddamn villain no matter what he does. He hates that he keeps having to go through this shit with people he called friend.
He hates that hearing he ain't got to tear his ownself apart doesn't bring enough relief and a little that it does.]
That's not what-- Bucky!
[Bucky bolts. He could chase after. He could keep up, again one of the few to be able. But instead he stands there, wishing foolish that he could be someone else.
Hours later, a folded paper has been left in Bucky's mailbox.]
i'm sorry.
[He suspects that it's the last he'll be seeing, hearing, or feeling Bucky for a long ass time.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: suicidal ideation
[All too many times before he's done this, lashed out with accusation out of sheer panic and unknowing what else to do. Fear and rage dance a circle around the root of hurt.]
I ain't seeking to do nothing against you. I'm giving you chance to take from me what you need made gone. And as long as you are in these meadous, I am not going to let anyone motherfucking hurt or use you like that! Neither will I let you hurt no one else! Even if you want me to forget who you are, I'll still motherfucking stop it!
[It ain't a promise of sentimentality. He won't allow this meadous to come to harm if he can help it. Bucky is only one piece of that. But it means it's a promise he can be sure of]
You're still in control here. Just breathe.
cw: suicidal ideation
He has enough left about him to tell that Izzy is being genuine about what he'll do to make sure Bucky is comfortable, that he'll rip into his own mind and take out all the pieces that make him a threat. He should take him up on that. He should make sure he surgically removes every single memory that could hurt him, because this-- this is intolerable.
Izzy knows what was done to him in intimate detail, he knows the trigger words, surely it's the only solution to be safe. He can't be safe if he doesn't tell him to take it all out.]
No.
[The word sounds almost broken, ragged and harsh. He looks hunted even as he speaks, unable to go through with it.]
I can't-- I can't be the one to do that to someone else, you can't do that. I can't.
[He has to get out of there. It doesn't even matter that this is his house and he'll be leaving Izzy alone in it, he just knows he has to go. He's out of the house and gone in moments, running as fast as he's capable of doing, leaving the door ajar in his wake.]
cw: suicidal ideation
He hates that he's the goddamn villain no matter what he does. He hates that he keeps having to go through this shit with people he called friend.
He hates that hearing he ain't got to tear his ownself apart doesn't bring enough relief and a little that it does.]
That's not what-- Bucky!
[Bucky bolts. He could chase after. He could keep up, again one of the few to be able. But instead he stands there, wishing foolish that he could be someone else.
Hours later, a folded paper has been left in Bucky's mailbox.]
i'm sorry.
[He suspects that it's the last he'll be seeing, hearing, or feeling Bucky for a long ass time.]