[After a heart-to-heart with Renart that's left him feeling even more confused and pained than before, Monty heads to Bucky's house. He doesn't actually have any idea when the man might be home or not. He'll come back periodically over the next few days if Bucky doesn't answer the first time, knocking on the door and waiting for several minutes for a response.]
[Bucky hasn't been home a whole lot, just in case he ends up running into Renart attempting to apologise again, so it will take a few days for Monty to get a response. Aside from being dressed in jeans and a hoodie instead of tactical gear, Bucky looks very like his Soldier shadow counterpart when he sees it's Monty, levelling the same sort of unimpressed stare in his direction.]
[Monty feels his courage and resolve flagging in the face of Bucky's grim countenance. But he summons the last dregs of it. This is for Renart.]
I'm sorry. For what I did to you. I wanted to tell you. I've recently come to the realization that I have not afforded you the same courtesy I have others who have found their affections lying with those I hold dear.
And... and I know you only recently became aware of Renart's abilities. I wanted to tell you... she does not use them. Not unless asked. She recoils from it, even when I've asked her to use them on me. If you have ever been concerned that she would use them to harm you, I just wanted you to know that she would not. And I... [He closes his eyes.] I want her to have friends here. People she trusts and cares for. Beyond me. She deserves that.
[Bucky isn't even going to address that apology, because he's fairly sure it's not even worth the breath it took to say the words. Monty has proven time and again that the only thing he was ever sorry about was getting caught.
The rest of it is much more complicated. He doesn't trust this asshole as far as he could throw him, but he can't think of what ulterior motive he might have for being here. He obviously doesn't like that Bucky is friends with Renart, let alone anything more, so why petition her case?
Unless he wants to be the white knight and 'prove' himself by being the one to mend their friendship somehow.]
What made you think I'd listen to anything you had to say?
The fact that this is not about me. It is about you and her, sir. And I... my life would be, perhaps, far simpler, were you not in it or hers. But I love her. If she wishes for you to be a part of her life, then I... need to respect that. And you need to know what she is truly capable of.
Renart has been terrified for as long as I have known her that if her abilities are discovered, she will be destroyed and anyone else she loves along with her. She has suffered many deaths throughout her life. Some of them horrifying because people did not understand her or they feared her. She has not led a perfect life, perhaps some of that reputation was even earned in her youth, but that is not the person she is now.
[The problem isn't entirely the fact that she has mind control powers, it's that she lied. It's that she kept lying even after she knew just how big of a deal that would be for him, and so he told her things that he might never have told her if he'd known the truth.
It crawls under his skin like insects, and goddamn but he wishes he knew how to make it stop. He wants to forgive her, and he wants to hate her, but apparently both of those options are just out of reach.
His eyes narrow a bit, he still doesn't trust Monty one iota, but apparently this is a conversation that needs having. So he opens his door properly, revealing the empty sleeve hanging to his left, and steps aside in a silent invitation to come in. The room is as bare as usual, with the same sad little mattress in the corner, but there's also a gun out on the floor because he'd been oiling it when the knock came.]
Sit down.
[There's the mattress or the floor, those are the options.]
[The missing arm is certainly a bit of a surprise. Monty stares at it for a long moment, then his eyes turn to the gun, the empty rest of the room in front of him. He wonders if it would be safe to refuse the offer.
Probably it's not an offer.
He steps into the house and between one moment and the next, there are a pair of plain wooden chairs next to the mattress. A person would have chairs in a house if they ask someone to sit down. And so, they are there. Monty seats himself in one of them.]
Bucky flinches as if Monty has threatened him when chairs suddenly appear out of fucking nowhere. He's beyond done with stupid powers that come out of left field, and he doesn't feel the same need to hold himself back with Monty as he does with everyone else.
So he walks over and very calmly, but very firmly, tries to wind his fingers into Monty's collar and bodily haul him back to his feet.]
I might.
[His gaze flicks to the chairs.]
I told you to sit down, not redecorate. Get rid of them, and don't do it again.
[There's a convenient tie for him to latch onto, as well, and the grasp has Monty rising up quickly to avoid a choking.]
I didn't mean to... I-I only wanted a place to sit. [But he lets the delusion lapse. Bucky wouldn't have chairs. Bucky Barnes is a heathen. There are probably leaves and twigs inside his mattress or something.
No.
Monty squeezes his eyes shut and tries to avoid changing anything else with his powers. The chairs disappear as if they'd never been there, though.]
[That might be the first sensible call that he's ever seen Monty make.
He lets go of the other man's tie abruptly and goes to take a seat on the floor by his partially disassembled gun. He's not so socially unaware that he doesn't know that continuing to clean his gun could be construed as intimidating, but that's why he keeps doing it. He doesn't want to set Monty at his ease.]
You can sit on the mattress, or sit on the floor, I don't care which.
[He keeps his eyes on his 'guest'. He's experienced enough with guns that not looking and only having one hand aren't a handicap in continuing to clean it and put it back together.]
Now explain to me why any of what you said means it shouldn't matter that she lied.
[Monty sits where he's been let go, kneeling down into a position that it would be easy to spring up from if he needs to. Bucky continuing to clean his gun makes the young earl think that he might need to.]
I did not say that such things should not matter, Mr. Barnes. I only mean to say that in the grand scheme of your relationship with her, this one point of frailty and selfishness is not what you should judge the sum of her by.
[It's a pretty big point to not judge her on, considering all the tangled mess of other issues that come with it. But that's not something he's about to discuss with him of all people.
It's odd, somehow he still trusts that Renart hasn't betrayed his confidence by telling Monty his secrets. Stupid, really, trusting her even when this whole issue is over broken trust.]
Why not? Sometimes it just takes one thing to show who a person really is.
[Like the murdering scum opposite him, for example.]
Would you wish people to judge you for the absolute worst thing you have ever done? Or even, simply, the most selfish thing? When that thing was keeping a secret that actively inflicted harm on no one?
[He hates having to argue this case, really. But he keeps telling himself it's for Renart. It's for... the right reasons. Even if they feel wrong. This is who Royce and Espio and Eliza and even Renart need him to be.
This is who he needs himself to be if he's to find the moral high ground he once stood upon before.]
[The corners of his mouth twitch upwards into a mirthless smile. Monty has no idea about the worst things he's done in his life, and how much he's being hunted back home for those self same things.]
If people judge me for the worst thing I've done, then that's fine. No action is harmless or without consequence, even keeping a secret.
[But he does get what's trying to be said, even if he's not charitable enough to take that leap with Monty at the moment.]
But even if I should forgive her, which I ain't saying I should, why are you here petitioning for it? You hate me, and I think you're a despicable and controlling coward.
[The insults grate across his nerves and for a moment, the gentleman's gaze darkens, fear turning to indignant anger. How dare this man call him that. Despicable and controlling coward? So says a man so wound up in paranoia that he can hardly turn his head for fear he won't have his eye in the other direction. He bites his tongue and lets the moment pass without saying anything, just taking a deep breath.]
I hate what you represent, Mr. Barnes. I do not know you well enough to hate you personally. Hence why I apologized to you. I had a lover in Between before Renart. The lover they knew from their own world appeared and that friendship and love was rekindled. I... did not harm him. I even became friends with him in the end. Because he was a good man and my jealousy may have blinded me to that at the outset, but I was forced into a situation of spending a great deal of time with him. And so, I grew to know him. Then I could not hate him. I do not think we could ever be friendly in such a way, but I do not hate you, sir. There is little for me to know to hate.
All of that is also why I am here, petitioning for Renart. Because she is important to me. You are important to her. I am trying to do what I should have done from the beginning.
[He sees the way Monty's expression turns and he's not surprised, that darkness is always under the veneer of polite mannerly speech. It's something he won't forget, he's seen the truth of what's underneath, it's why he has nothing but contempt for Monty and he's pretty sure that getting to know him any better wouldn't change that.
Maybe there are some redeeming qualities to him, there has to be something that makes Renart love him, but they can't cancel out the disregard he has for other lives and his selfish jealousy.]
So why didn't you do that from the beginning? Hell, why even have an 'open relationship' if what you actually wanted was for you to be able to screw around and not her?
I do not care that she lies with other men, Mr. Barnes. She did in Between and she has here. I had thought I made that clear to you.
I was with Cecil first. She knew that I was before we were together. I had no one else I was in love with in Between apart from those two. If she has told you otherwise, then that is a clarification I apparently need to make with her. Undertaker was only ever dear to me here. And when he proposed to me, I said yes because he was friends with her and I thought she might well prefer him to Cecil.
[If anything, he looks significantly less impressed at that explanation. So Monty was engaged to someone else, and he still had the gall to try and be jealous?]
Fine. So how come she's not allowed to fall in love with anyone else? You know she got all twisted up apologising, like it was her fault that you couldn't control your damn jealousy and use your words? But seems to me like you're just trying to own her.
[This might be slightly off the original topic, but he's been wanting to say all of this to Monty for a long time and now appears to be the ideal opportunity.]
For the love of god, man! I am trying to say I was wrong and I want her to have that--have you--if that is what she wants!
[His hands are balled into fists and he bristling all over. Monty hates this. Hates every moment of this. And he's starting to hate Bucky for being indescribably dense.]
[As much as this whole encounter is awkward, and as much as he dislikes Monty, and as much as things have sucked recently... this is actually making him feel a little better. He hasn't had anyone he can really vent his frustrations at without feeling guilty, and making Monty miserable is kind of satisfying.
It's like a petty revenge without actually resorting to fists.]
So if I walked up to Renart and told her I loved her, and proposed to her like you and your fella did, you'd be fine with that?
[He's not going to. Hell, he wouldn't even be with Renart in a simple and slow way, he's too scared of hurting her, but Monty doesn't need to know that yet.]
The first woman I ever loved and who loved me back married another man because I was a penniless boy with no money to keep her in comfort. I have known that cruelty already in my life and survived it, sir.
[People can survive a lot, more than most would give themselves credit for, so that doesn't mean much.]
I asked if you'd be fine with it, like she was with your fella. If you'd stick with her, not hold it over her, and not try and push me off another damn cliff.
I can be not-fine and still allow that, Mr. Barnes. She has never been fine. She has tolerated. Or so she has told me. I will not harm you, as I said, or hold anything over her.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Post-Persona, Pre-Beta Testing
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What?
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I'm sorry. For what I did to you. I wanted to tell you. I've recently come to the realization that I have not afforded you the same courtesy I have others who have found their affections lying with those I hold dear.
And... and I know you only recently became aware of Renart's abilities. I wanted to tell you... she does not use them. Not unless asked. She recoils from it, even when I've asked her to use them on me. If you have ever been concerned that she would use them to harm you, I just wanted you to know that she would not. And I... [He closes his eyes.] I want her to have friends here. People she trusts and cares for. Beyond me. She deserves that.
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The rest of it is much more complicated. He doesn't trust this asshole as far as he could throw him, but he can't think of what ulterior motive he might have for being here. He obviously doesn't like that Bucky is friends with Renart, let alone anything more, so why petition her case?
Unless he wants to be the white knight and 'prove' himself by being the one to mend their friendship somehow.]
What made you think I'd listen to anything you had to say?
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The fact that this is not about me. It is about you and her, sir. And I... my life would be, perhaps, far simpler, were you not in it or hers. But I love her. If she wishes for you to be a part of her life, then I... need to respect that. And you need to know what she is truly capable of.
Renart has been terrified for as long as I have known her that if her abilities are discovered, she will be destroyed and anyone else she loves along with her. She has suffered many deaths throughout her life. Some of them horrifying because people did not understand her or they feared her. She has not led a perfect life, perhaps some of that reputation was even earned in her youth, but that is not the person she is now.
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It crawls under his skin like insects, and goddamn but he wishes he knew how to make it stop. He wants to forgive her, and he wants to hate her, but apparently both of those options are just out of reach.
His eyes narrow a bit, he still doesn't trust Monty one iota, but apparently this is a conversation that needs having. So he opens his door properly, revealing the empty sleeve hanging to his left, and steps aside in a silent invitation to come in. The room is as bare as usual, with the same sad little mattress in the corner, but there's also a gun out on the floor because he'd been oiling it when the knock came.]
Sit down.
[There's the mattress or the floor, those are the options.]
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Probably it's not an offer.
He steps into the house and between one moment and the next, there are a pair of plain wooden chairs next to the mattress. A person would have chairs in a house if they ask someone to sit down. And so, they are there. Monty seats himself in one of them.]
Are you going to hurt me, Mr. Barnes?
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Bucky flinches as if Monty has threatened him when chairs suddenly appear out of fucking nowhere. He's beyond done with stupid powers that come out of left field, and he doesn't feel the same need to hold himself back with Monty as he does with everyone else.
So he walks over and very calmly, but very firmly, tries to wind his fingers into Monty's collar and bodily haul him back to his feet.]
I might.
[His gaze flicks to the chairs.]
I told you to sit down, not redecorate. Get rid of them, and don't do it again.
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I didn't mean to... I-I only wanted a place to sit. [But he lets the delusion lapse. Bucky wouldn't have chairs. Bucky Barnes is a heathen. There are probably leaves and twigs inside his mattress or something.
No.
Monty squeezes his eyes shut and tries to avoid changing anything else with his powers. The chairs disappear as if they'd never been there, though.]
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He lets go of the other man's tie abruptly and goes to take a seat on the floor by his partially disassembled gun. He's not so socially unaware that he doesn't know that continuing to clean his gun could be construed as intimidating, but that's why he keeps doing it. He doesn't want to set Monty at his ease.]
You can sit on the mattress, or sit on the floor, I don't care which.
[He keeps his eyes on his 'guest'. He's experienced enough with guns that not looking and only having one hand aren't a handicap in continuing to clean it and put it back together.]
Now explain to me why any of what you said means it shouldn't matter that she lied.
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I did not say that such things should not matter, Mr. Barnes. I only mean to say that in the grand scheme of your relationship with her, this one point of frailty and selfishness is not what you should judge the sum of her by.
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It's odd, somehow he still trusts that Renart hasn't betrayed his confidence by telling Monty his secrets. Stupid, really, trusting her even when this whole issue is over broken trust.]
Why not? Sometimes it just takes one thing to show who a person really is.
[Like the murdering scum opposite him, for example.]
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[He hates having to argue this case, really. But he keeps telling himself it's for Renart. It's for... the right reasons. Even if they feel wrong. This is who Royce and Espio and Eliza and even Renart need him to be.
This is who he needs himself to be if he's to find the moral high ground he once stood upon before.]
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If people judge me for the worst thing I've done, then that's fine. No action is harmless or without consequence, even keeping a secret.
[But he does get what's trying to be said, even if he's not charitable enough to take that leap with Monty at the moment.]
But even if I should forgive her, which I ain't saying I should, why are you here petitioning for it? You hate me, and I think you're a despicable and controlling coward.
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I hate what you represent, Mr. Barnes. I do not know you well enough to hate you personally. Hence why I apologized to you. I had a lover in Between before Renart. The lover they knew from their own world appeared and that friendship and love was rekindled. I... did not harm him. I even became friends with him in the end. Because he was a good man and my jealousy may have blinded me to that at the outset, but I was forced into a situation of spending a great deal of time with him. And so, I grew to know him. Then I could not hate him. I do not think we could ever be friendly in such a way, but I do not hate you, sir. There is little for me to know to hate.
All of that is also why I am here, petitioning for Renart. Because she is important to me. You are important to her. I am trying to do what I should have done from the beginning.
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Maybe there are some redeeming qualities to him, there has to be something that makes Renart love him, but they can't cancel out the disregard he has for other lives and his selfish jealousy.]
So why didn't you do that from the beginning? Hell, why even have an 'open relationship' if what you actually wanted was for you to be able to screw around and not her?
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I was with Cecil first. She knew that I was before we were together. I had no one else I was in love with in Between apart from those two. If she has told you otherwise, then that is a clarification I apparently need to make with her. Undertaker was only ever dear to me here. And when he proposed to me, I said yes because he was friends with her and I thought she might well prefer him to Cecil.
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Fine. So how come she's not allowed to fall in love with anyone else? You know she got all twisted up apologising, like it was her fault that you couldn't control your damn jealousy and use your words? But seems to me like you're just trying to own her.
[This might be slightly off the original topic, but he's been wanting to say all of this to Monty for a long time and now appears to be the ideal opportunity.]
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[His hands are balled into fists and he bristling all over. Monty hates this. Hates every moment of this. And he's starting to hate Bucky for being indescribably dense.]
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It's like a petty revenge without actually resorting to fists.]
So if I walked up to Renart and told her I loved her, and proposed to her like you and your fella did, you'd be fine with that?
[He's not going to. Hell, he wouldn't even be with Renart in a simple and slow way, he's too scared of hurting her, but Monty doesn't need to know that yet.]
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The first woman I ever loved and who loved me back married another man because I was a penniless boy with no money to keep her in comfort. I have known that cruelty already in my life and survived it, sir.
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[People can survive a lot, more than most would give themselves credit for, so that doesn't mean much.]
I asked if you'd be fine with it, like she was with your fella. If you'd stick with her, not hold it over her, and not try and push me off another damn cliff.
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What changed? Why did you suddenly come to this realisation?
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[He doesn't expect any sympathy.]
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