for Ivar

[advanced]

[There are some decisions that are unequivocally bad ideas. This is probably one of them. When Quarantine began collapsing and they had all run for the portals, the one leading to Ivar's world had already broken down and left him stranded. There hadn't been much time for thought, no quiet moment to consider the consequences, before Bucky had offered to take him through to where he'd come from.

But now they were here, stumbling out into the depths of a forest god only knew where in the world, with Ivar's chair almost upended in the scramble, Bucky can't help but feel a bit apprehensive.

Even with someone who understands how this world works, there are dangers to being here with him. This isn't Quarantine, there are many dangerous people here who would like nothing more than to track him down and either turn him to use once more or destroy him. But Ivar isn't even like a person from this world, he's from far in the past and can be pretty damn unstable when faced with danger.

Yes, this was probably a bad idea.

Too late now.

He sighs as the portal closes behind them and leaves them alone and stranded, no sound except for birdsong and the faint scrabbling of wildlife.]

--welcome to Earth, kid.

Comments

[advanced]

I bet you'll listen to Steve.

[His lips tweak up despite himself, something both fond and exasperated in his expression.]

He can make pretty much anyone listen to him, and he's a way better person to teach you right from wrong in this world than I am.

[ragnarsson]

You've mentioned him before.

[One of the few people Bucky ever did.]

Is he a good friend?

[advanced]

[That's a question with a very complicated answer, and Bucky is silent for a moment as he considers what to say. He won't lie, he respects Ivar well enough not to do that, but he's good at giving non-answers when he wants to.]

He's a hero, the genuine article.

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar ruffles his wings and flies back over to his wheelchair, slowly, so that Bucky doesn't get the idea he's trying to fly off. There's no point in staying in this form anymore. The shift back takes about two minutes, and when he's finished, he's sitting there looking resigned.]

He sounds like a good man.

[The problem with Ivar is that he's never thought of himself as good, so he's hardly going to start listening to someone who is.]

[advanced]

Yeah, he is.

[The best of men, at least in Bucky's opinion. It's always been Steve that proved to him there's some small semblance of things worth fighting for in this world, and that hasn't changed through the years.]

He's probably gonna really annoy you.

[ragnarsson]

Probably. I'm not a good person in general.

[So those that were tended to annoy him on some level, perhaps reminding him that he could be much more if he allowed himself to be, instead of always being angry and lashing out all the time.]

[advanced]

I don't mean like that.

[Though, it being Steve, he's likely to annoy him that way too.]

He's kind of-- been looking for me for about two years, he's probably gonna bug you for every detail of every conversation we had. Feel free to tell him to knock it off.

[ragnarsson]

And you're not even going to stick around to say hello?

[Ivar tsks, shaking his head.]

For shame.

[advanced]

It's complicated.

[And isn't that the biggest understatement in the world?]

It's better for us not to be together.

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar folds his arms and just gives Bucky a level look.]

Pretty sure that's always what people say about those they love.

[He knows you too well to just give into this 'keep you at a distance for your own safety' routine.]

[advanced]

[Bucky's expression flattens, that's not really something Ivar wants to pry at.]

You don't know anything about it.

[The "so shut up" might be unsaid, but it's as loud as if he shouted it.]

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar should just be quiet. It's within his best interests, but for someone so smart, he has an astounding propensity for doing very dumb things.]

I know you like to run instead of ever having to face the prospect of getting close to anyone.

[advanced]

I tried to kill him.

[It's low and cold and completely without inflection.]

Last time I saw him, I beat him so badly he nearly died.

[ragnarsson]

[That gets Ivar to shut up for a minute. Bucky's always stressed he could snap and revert back into a dangerous killing machine, but aside from the time he'd snapped Ivar's leg in a morph, he hadn't seen too much of it.]

Is he the type that wouldn't forgive you for that?

[advanced]

He let me do it.

[So yes, he's the type to forgive, and that makes it a whole lot worse. If he could trust that Steve would actually fight back if he had to, make the hard choice to put a bullet between Bucky's eyes before he could become a true threat, then he might be willing to talk. But he's not, and that makes him a liability to everyone.]

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar just shakes his head. The guilt that Bucky carries around is so heavy it could have sent a man straight to the bottom of ocean if it were given physical form. At one time, Ivar wouldn't have cared, but it's far too late to go back to that state after the length of time he's known Bucky.]

Are you ever going to forgive yourself? Or allow anyone else to give you their's?

[advanced]

[He scowls a little deeper, because how dare Ivar shoot logical questions at him?]

It's not that simple, not with him.

[He hesitates, but he knows what Ivar is like sometimes, a dog with a bone would be less tenacious. Besides, it's not like he won't find out from Steve when they get there, so it's better he's prepared.]

He knew me before I became-- who am I now. He's looking for that man, that's why he let me damn near kill him, because he can't see past a dead man's face.

[ragnarsson]

He's looking for a good man. And you think there's nothing left of that in you.

[Ivar's very tempted to argue the point a bit. Ivar knows himself very well. He's a cruel, sadistic, and vindictive person fueled by rage and revenge. He's done terrible things and never lost a night's sleep over them. But Bucky isn't like that. Whatever he's done in his past, he has true remorse now.]

[advanced]

[Bucky’s eyes widen just a bit in surprise, before giving a rueful sort of shrug.]

Anyone ever tell you that you’re too smart for your own good?

[ragnarsson]

Frequently.

[Ivar says with flippant cheerfulness. This is what happens when he gets to know someone as well as he's gotten to know Bucky over the course of almost two years. Then he gets serious once again.]

You're too hard on yourself. Anyway, even if you don't think you're a good person, I think you are.

[And Ivar's opinion is what's most important, of course.]

[advanced]

No, I'm not.

[It's not said with self pity, just with the solid ring of fact. It doesn't matter that it wasn't all his fault, he still has more blood on his hands than anyone else possibly could. Seventy years of blood, seventy years of evil.

Just because he's been vaguely nice to one teenaged Viking doesn't change that.]

But I'm sure you'll get on with Steve, he's just as dumb as you are.

[ragnarsson]

You're better then me. I've done terrible things and never cared at all that it hurt others. You have actual remorse. It's a start.

[But any other blunt things he might have to say get lost in an indignant huff.]

Hey! I am not dumb!

[advanced]

[His lips curl up just slightly, and he shrugs in response.]

Sorry, kid, that's just the facts.

[ragnarsson]

And what does that make you, hmmmm?

[He leans over and shoves Bucky lightly.]

You're hardly a genius yourself.

[advanced]

Hey, at least I know enough to admit when I don't know things.

[He ignores the shove and pushes up to his feet again, nodding towards where the sun is setting.]

C'mon, we need to cover some ground unless you want to live in this damn clearing.