IC Inbox

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This is the IC inbox for Bucky Barnes at Snowblind.

Network name: @bucky; formerly @j, @username, and @robertsmith

This is the place to contact Bucky over the Network. Contact by voice, text, or video is all perfectly acceptable, and there is no need to plot with me prior to posting in this inbox.

Any contact for @j following day 125, @username following day 190, or @robertsmith following day 224 will be met with the following message: USER NOT FOUND.

Comments

@featherydouche; text; night 299

[mrcreamsicles]

is that offer for advice still open

text;

[advanced]

Of course. What do you need?

[mrcreamsicles]

its about the futures we saw before
strap in bucky because im diving into the corner of emotional and personal growth
gonna go full on after school mentorship program for wayward teens
or maybe not mentorship
maybe more like sitting down to ask your emotionally distant veteran grandpa how he coped with stuff in his day
except grandpa was the one to offer the advice first so maybe hes warming up
which is also kind of relevant here
its probably going to sound dumb that im asking you of all people but ive got a method to my madness
um
so youre a super soldier who got trained to be all badass and emotionally locked the fuck down for maximum super soldiering right
obviously i wasnt a super soldier
but i was trained up with swords and how to fight and keep on my guard ever since i was probably way too young to be teaching a kid that stuff but too bad happened anyway
and with that generally taught to keep my feelings on lockdown because thats what the coolest of cool dudes are supposed to be like
its a whole different scale from your shit obviously
i was never brainwashed into it or anything that bad
but thats the thing
like
i figure if youre dealing with the worst kind of version of all that
then maybe i can deal with it too
wait im missing my point here
what i mean is
...
how do you decide if letting go of the stuff youve been trained for is better
and
how the fuck do you actually go about that if you do decide that way

[advanced]

[Oh, hell.

He wants to help, but this is a lot and it's all very personal. He knows from past experience that he can so easily mess this kid up when he's trying to help, Clint would be better for this kind of advice. But Clint isn't here, and Davesprite has come to him, so he has to do his best.

He's quiet for about half a minute as he tries to figure out how to phrase what he wants to say.]

You have to look at what you were trained to do and decide if it makes you happy. When you do what you were trained to do, do you feel like you're living the life you want to live? If the answer is no, then that's probably a sign that you should start trying to let go of it.

The how is more difficult. I don't think I'm qualified to give that kind of advice, because I still struggle with that a lot myself. But the steps I've taken have been because of challenging that training in little ways. I was taught not to want anything, a weapon doesn't want, so I forced myself to say out loud when I wanted stuff. Dumb little stuff, like a slice of pizza, or a bath. But it helps.

[mrcreamsicles]

[It's no magic key to unlock the secrets of who he's supposed to be, and it feels a little disappointing despite the fact he knew better than to expect one. Before, he always had a guide of who and how he was supposed to be, taught to him since childhood. Now all he has is false future memories that made him clam up for days after.]

ok so
how do you handle it when trying to act different just sets off every alarm youve got
like a big old nope in your heart because youve been taught for ages to do it one way
and that any other way is wrong
it makes it hard to figure out what i even want when ive got my head screaming at me that im breaking all the rules
like
i said this was because of the future right
i was acting different then and i felt happier and someone i talked to then said i sounded that way too when i asked him about it
but it always feels like
like theres this real disapproving look waiting around the corner for me
like im less me
like im giving up all what im supposed to be and thats automatically bad so i cant

[advanced]

Of course it's going to set off all your alarms, and it's going to be hard. It doesn't even really get easier for a long time. I'm sorry, that's not comforting, but it's the truth and I'm not going to lie to you when you've come to me for help.

It's hard and it makes you feel like your heart might explode, or you can't breathe, or the punishment is going to hurt so bad. There is no magic way to get past that, you just have to want the freedom more than you fear the pain and push through it. It takes a while, but eventually when the punishments don't come, it starts to be worth it.

[mrcreamsicles]

thats why i came to you
this doesnt seem like a thing you would sugarcoat
either you were going to turn me down because you didnt want to talk about it or be straightforward about how it is
so thanks for taking the second option
cant say im even surprised
it matches up with things so far
but like i said if you went through the worse version then i know it cant be impossible

[advanced]

It's not impossible.

[There's a very very long pause as he wrestles with sharing more, but eventually an extra bit of reply comes through.]

Sometimes I still think they're going to find me and know everything that I've done against my protocols, but it's worth the fight because of what I've gained.

[mrcreamsicles]

[It's a simple enough reply, at first, and he's fine enough to leave it there for the moment. He has a lot of thinking of his own to do beyond this. He has the advice and his own memories, and from there he just has to sort out what it is he actually wants and why. It's not a prospect to be completed in one evening.]

[But Bucky eventually speaks up again, and his attention turns. It's not a light thing to be told.]

im not real good at this
talking about this
theres only one person who can really get that out of me on the regular and even then i clam up like a jackass way too often
i mean what i want to say first off is im glad youre putting in this effort
i cant know everything they did to you or made you do and thats fine because im not going to ask
i just know it was bad enough that this has to be a huge amount of progress for you already
and that even if you cant be the way you were before this was done to you then i still want you to be able to be some kind of happy again
so good work keep it up i believe in you and all that other stuff
it just kind of at the same time feels like
its stupid that im even having this trouble
i havent got your history
im just some teenager who
whatever
its a whole different level
but i still get that same kind of feeling just in a different way
even though the main person who would be most against it is dead
so how dumb is that
and why do i have to worry about being how im supposed to be when im not even the most me version of me out there
that probably makes no sense
forget it
idk what im getting at
i guess
thanks for actually giving me the advice
and not telling me to just fuck off or whatever for asking

[advanced]

[It's strange, that there's an increasing number of times that he's given advice and been thanked for it like it's been helpful. It's good, makes him feel even more secure in the lesson he learned since that false future.]

You're welcome.

You need me again, you can call any time. I'll understand.

[mrcreamsicles]

[Bucky neatly sidesteps all his textual flailing. It helps, too, putting an end to the question of whether he should have said more or just kept it all in in the first place. It's fine. He's alright.]

alright
ill keep it in mind
also uh
big topic swerve incoming
youre going to see karkats name on the obit tomorrow
he got taken by an anomaly

[advanced]

What happened?

[He's not surprised that these questions came now, loss and grief tend to make people desperate to find some kind of answers.]

[mrcreamsicles]

i said an anomaly didnt i

[But he knows Bucky is probably asking for more detail.]

it looked like someone from our world
and i couldnt tell from a distance that it was an anomaly
yesterday the new arrival post went up right
for all we knew he had shown up for real
until we got close enough that we saw the stuff wrong
the face wasnt right
and his hood was full of teeth

[advanced]

[It's understandable why they might have made that sort of mistake, but it's still never pleasant to see someone carried off by a facsimile of a friend or loved one.]

Sorry.

He'll probably be back, just keep a watch for him.

[mrcreamsicles]

im going to
i already asked the admin where his body is so im going to head there and wait
just didnt want to let it be a surprise is all

[Not that he thinks they're close or anything from whatever amount they may have spoken, but when he's the one responsible for it in the first place, it felt fairer to warn him.]

[advanced]

[Not that he's going to tell Davesprite as much, but they spoke for all of a few sentences and he wouldn't have been too upset to see the other boy dead except for how it would affect Davesprite.]

Sounds like a good plan. I'm with John at the moment, but if you need me then let me know.

[mrcreamsicles]

[The name hits him like a punch.]

dont call him that
not when youre talking to me
john is the guy that just ate karkat
i cant see his name and think watson it just doesnt work that way

[advanced]

I'm sorry, but I didn't know and other people won't know either, they're going to call him John because that's his name.

[As sympathetic as he is, that's one thing that he thinks Davesprite needs to learn to deal with.]

[mrcreamsicles]

damnit bucky
i know they wont
theyve called him that before
and usually its fine but this happened just earlier today
it wont kill you to just use his surname for now

[advanced]

Fine. I'm with him at the moment, but if you need me then you can call.

[mrcreamsicles]

[Davesprite sighs. He's spent tonight in shifting moods, trying to keep a lid on his grief in a way that's done little but make him irritable and huffy at relatively mild provocation. Bucky's advice, good and appreciated though it is, isn't enough to have prevented that.]

sure
later

[He just doesn't like feeling powerless, is the thing. He hangs up here.]