IC Inbox

[advanced]

This is the IC inbox for Bucky Barnes at Snowblind.

Network name: @bucky; formerly @j, @username, and @robertsmith

This is the place to contact Bucky over the Network. Contact by voice, text, or video is all perfectly acceptable, and there is no need to plot with me prior to posting in this inbox.

Any contact for @j following day 125, @username following day 190, or @robertsmith following day 224 will be met with the following message: USER NOT FOUND.

Comments

[redrooms]

[Nope. She's not having it.]

You're a person, Bucky, not an animal. If you keep pushing people away, this will likely happen again.

[advanced]

It can't happen again.

[The guilt is thick in his voice.]

It wasn't the programming, Natasha, it was me.

[redrooms]

I know that. I'm at my worst when I'm on my own. It's too easy to fall back into bad habits.

[She's self-aware enough to realize this, even if it... doesn't always stop her from pushing everyone away, anyway. She's a hypocrite.]

What do you want, Bucky? If we were all sent home tomorrow, what would you do? Lock yourself in a room somewhere and never have any significant contact with anyone else again? Would that make you happy?

[advanced]

[She doesn't understand. This isn't falling back into bad habits, he's never slipped like this when he had his own mind, not really. But her question distracts him enough that he doesn't argue, voice much softer when he does respond.]

No.

[He smiles to himself, just a little, though she can't see it.]

I want the future Steve told me I get. Where a choice I make actually keeps people safe and means I won't hurt anyone.

[redrooms]

What choice is that?

[advanced]

He said I choose to freeze myself, go back into cryo sleep until a way can be found to get the programming out of me, if it can.

[The hope is almost painful in his voice.]

I just don't want to hurt anyone any more. [A pause, a drop in tone.] And look what I did.

[redrooms]

[That option is... revolting to her, really. It almost makes her sick. She saw her version of Bucky in one of those tubes once, and it scared the hell out of her. There has to be a better way, but she doesn't think that point is worth arguing just this second.]

You're scared. We both are. You're hurting, and that makes people desperate, especially when they don't let themselves open up to anyone.

[So knock that shit out.]

[advanced]

I am scared.

[He echoes her in agreement, the drugs loosening his tongue just enough for him to not actually shut her down this time.]

It keeps getting worse the longer I'm here, these whispers in my head. I can't get rid of them and everything feels like it's slipping out of control. I wasn't like this before-- I could control myself.

[redrooms]

What whispers? About the Prophet?

[advanced]

No, they're new, I know I'm not the only one.

[It's somehow easier to ignore those because he knows they're shared.]

I'm not going to make excuses for what I did.

[That's what it feels like the paranoia is, just an excuse to trivialise the choice he made and try and weasel out of the consequences.]

[redrooms]

You aren't. You've taken responsibility, but I need to know what's going on in your head.

[advanced]

[She knows he's responsible, that's comforting, so perhaps he can tell her.]

Even now I keep wondering when you're going to turn on me.

[That's what he means.]

It's constant, all the time for every person. I see the danger everywhere and it's getting worse all the time.

[He doesn't realise it's an MN effect, nor would it be particularly comforting if he did.]

I was better than this back home, I had control. Now I don't even know who I am any more.

[He is going to hate himself for saying all of this when the drugs wear off.]

[redrooms]

Oh, Bucky.

[She sighs softly.]

Can you think of any particular reason why? Anything that's happened since you arrived?

[advanced]

It's been worse since the Soldier was triggered.

[He doesn't even understand how he was triggered. The words weren't said, it shouldn't have happened.]

[redrooms]

"Triggered". How is it usually triggered? How does it work?

[advanced]

[He is silent for a very long time, almost half a minute.]

I don't want to talk about it.

[redrooms]

Okay.

[She's not going to push, because she knows how completely terrible these things can be to talk about.]

It sounds... different from what they did to the James I know. That's the only reason I asked.

[advanced]

[James. She always calls him James, the other him, and that's what she called him too when they met. Unfortunately for her serious conversation, his fuzzy brain latches onto that instead.]

--you can call me James if you want.

[redrooms]

[Now it's Natasha's turn to be silent, torn on how to answer. Her voice is much quieter when she finally replies.]

Is that what you want me to call you?

[advanced]

[He feels so tired of all of this, so confused, and the honest answer just comes out before he can filter it.]

I don't know who I am any more, it doesn't matter what you call me.

[redrooms]

It does matter.

[There's a reason she stayed the Black Widow even after defecting. Names have power, especially to people like them.]

Neither of us can go back to who we were, but that just means we need to keep moving. To be better. You're not the same man you were before HYDRA, but you're still Bucky.

[advanced]

[He knew that before.

He had felt like he was almost back to being Bucky, even a time or two here he had grasped that sense of self. It's why he told them to call him Bucky in the first place. But now he has no idea what he is, because the Bucky Barnes he's trying to be would never ever try and torture a man for information.

He sighs, a rough hiss of static.]

I'm not giving up.

[He's never given up yet, he's a survivor no matter what else he is. He doesn't want to answer the rest of that, so he'll just change the subject.]

We haven't left the aquarium yet, we can't start north until tomorrow or the day after.

[Yes, 'we', he's taking Watson with him incredibly enough.]

[redrooms]

[Maybe someday he'll stop dodging everything she says. Today is apparently not that day. She wishes she knew how to get through to him, but there's no point of connection, no real reason for him to trust her like she'd had with the Winter Soldier at home. She's not even sure anything she's saying really matters or resonates with him at all, which is frustrating. She's spent the past ten years clawing her way back to being a person, to letting herself trust her instincts again and the people around her, and she'd like to ease that transition for him, if he'll let her.

It just doesn't seem like he wants to let her.

She's quiet again for a moment, and then she finally decides to accept his topic shift, at least for now.]

"We"? Dr. Watson is coming with you?

[advanced]

Yeah.

[He can still hardly believe that either, it seems completely insane given what's happened.]

He can barely walk, he'll die if he tries to go alone.

[redrooms]

I'm glad that you're staying with him. We're looking for supplies for the two of you on our way down.