advanced | PSL for Renart

[This is one of the times of his recovery that he doesn't talk about much, the confusing two or three months between the fight on the helicarriers and gaining some semblance of being a person again. It's hard to talk about because it's hard to think about, his memories of that time are jagged and confusing, like looking through a broken kaleidoscope.

He's silent for about two minutes as he orders his thoughts, he doesn't want to lie to her.]

Not at first, I got really mad at myself because I didn't understand. Everything was still confusing, I didn't remember much of anything, and I thought I was malfunctioning. Weapons don't have emotions, you see, they don't feel. But then I just got sad, and tired, and it made me question things. Like-- if I was a weapon, if HYDRA had been telling the truth, how was I feeling these things? Maybe Steve had told the truth, and maybe the exhibit wasn't all a big lie. I think it helped in a way, it was the first really human thing I'd done in a long time, it opened the door for other things.

Oh.

[From her tone it's clear she wishes he had stopped at No. That would have been a lot easier to hear, that it's pointless and she's right to just shove everything down as usual.]

I'm glad it helped you.

[At least she can be honest about that.]

I think it would help you too, if you'd let it.

[It's gentle, but it's not like he hasn't made the point clear enough.]

I don't know.

[She hesitates, sniffling a little, because the desire to cry hasn't exactly gone away, before sitting up.]

I'm scared of how I'll feel after.

Why?

[He's not judging, he just doesn't get it. Does she think she'll somehow feel embarrassed after? Worse? Is she worried she will feel better, and that makes her feel guilty?]

I'll only end up feeling worse. Or... guilty, if it actually makes me feel better.

[She doesn't like either outcome.]

And none of it will change the fact that he's gone.

And you think because you can't change that he's gone, you shouldn't be allowed to feel better or worse? Are you gonna be stuck in limbo forever?

[He thinks about asking if Monty would want that, but the man was so selfish and weird that he probably would get a kick out of Renart mourning forever.]

I'll move on.

[She curls her tail around herself.]

I always do.

Then why are you afraid of feeling better?

[He's surprised she hasn't just shut this conversation down by now, but he's going to keep pushing his luck until she does.]

Because this is what always happens.

[She's sounding tired and frustrated with it all.]

I get close to someone and if they don't Forget me, then they die. I'm left alone, with nothing but my memories, forced to move on. It's an endless cycle.

You're immortal, Renart, I can't change that being the truth.

[Only another immortal would stand a chance of breaking that cycle.]

But what's the alternative? Never being close to anyone?

[She just nods. That's the only alternative she can see, sadly.]

That's not living, Renart. Trust me, I did it for a long time.

[She pulls her knees up, she can bury her face against them, hugging herself. Her voice is starting to break.]

Seems like it'd be easier than this.

In some ways it is.

[She's possibly the only person he'd ever admit that, because it feels almost like saying there were parts of the Soldier that were bearable.]

But it's not being alive, not feeling the pain, not being attached to anything... it means you don't feel joy either. You don't feel anything, you're not anything.

[It can't be easy for him to talk about this, which makes her feel bad for even bringing it up. She should have just stayed silent for the rest of the night instead of bothering him.

That guilt is making her tear up again, and before she can stop herself she's bursting into tears.]

[He does want her to stop bottling all of this up, but he'd feel like a heel if he knew that part of the reason she's suddenly crying is because she feels guilty over his shitty life.

He hesitates, not wanting to do anything that'll make her swallow it all down again, before shifting just a little closer and leaving his body language open. An invitation for an embrace if she needs it, but without obligation or words.]

[She hates that she's crying all over again. Despite what he said she feels stupid, weak, ridiculous for not being able to just push through all of it.

It isn't long until she notices that he's moved closer, and even though she knows it won't help her feel any better later she latches onto him, continuing to cry.]

[He feels a tiny knot of tension release in his chest when she finally gives herself over to letting it out. He doesn't get that she's getting his shirt all wet, he's had worse things than a few tears and a bit of snot all over him, and maybe it'll be like exorcising poison.

He'll hold her for as long as she needs. He won't bother with useless platitudes, because it might not all be okay, and time doesn't heal every wound. He'll just be there, solid and present.]

[It'll be a while. This time she doesn't try to stop herself - she doesn't think she can stop herself, it's like a dam that's been holding back an entire tsunami worth of flooding is breaking.

So she doesn't stop so much as drift off to sleep against him. Something she'll undoubtedly find even more embarrassing when she eventually wakes up.]

[Bucky doesn't mind.

He's spent a lot of time learning how to be still, a sniper has to be able to sit in uncomfortable positions for hours waiting for the right shot, and so this is pretty much luxury to have to be still because he has a beautiful woman leaning up against him. She's so warm, and he can feel her breathing evening out, it's comforting.

He doesn't sleep himself, but he does relax enough to doze, and his eyes will be closed whenever she wakes.]

[She wakes up slowly, at first not quite realizing where she is. But when she does she glances up at him and, upon thinking he's still asleep, remains still. Sure, she's embarrassed about her outburst last night, but this is kind of nice. It's comforting, enough that she curls up a little bit tighter against him.]

[He feels the shift in the cadence of her breathing and the slight movement of her head when she glances up, but he remains still himself for another few seconds. It's been a long time since he felt this relaxed and at peace, he's reluctant to break that spell.

He does move, though, stretching out stiff limbs and pushing a bit of her hair out of her face.]

Morning, how are feeling?

[At the touch she sits up abruptly, her cheeks reddening. Okay, that's definitely over.]

Fine.

[You know what she's just going to stand up.]

I need a shower. Do you mind if I use yours?

[He's a little sad that she's suddenly so awkward and it shows, just for a moment, in a crestfallen expression before he irons that out into his more usual neutrality.]

Sure, it's just through there, you remember? There's a towel on the side you can use.

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