PSL for Renart

[advanced]

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[aigue]

[She knows it's reasonable to not want to just be a rebound, but she feels hurt regardless and she's feeling enough like selfish garbage that she isn't going to try and hide her disappointed expression.]

Fine.

[She abruptly turns and flops over onto the mattress, curling up into a ball with her back facing him, not looking like she's intending to move for a long time.]

[advanced]

[Well, great.

He has no idea if he could have got through that without making her annoyed with him, but if there was a way then clearly he didn't find it. Perhaps he should just be glad that she's still there and hasn't stalked off to find some alcohol.

He decides against saying anything more, and just settles against the wall a short distance away to wait for morning. He won't sleep. He doesn't sleep well if there's someone else in his space, even if he trusts them, so he'll wile away the night hours trying to figure out how to handle the awkward conversation that morning might bring.]

[aigue]

[She remains in that position well into the night, not saying a word to Bucky. It's childish but she's annoyed at him, and since she doesn't have anything to serve as a distraction - not even sleep - eventually she's going to start sniffling.

It's only a little at first, but soon she'll be shaking as she quietly cries.]

[advanced]

[At first he's not sure if she's awake or asleep, it's only when the he pays closer attention that he hears the muffled sobbing.

Quietly he shifts closer, reaching out to rest his hand on her shaking shoulder.]

Hey-- it's gonna be okay.

[aigue]

[She gives a small jerk away from his hand, immediately starting to suck in deep breaths to force her sobs to calm down. It's rare that she cries, and she's already feeling embarrassed about it.]

N - no it isn't.

[advanced]

You should cry for him.

[Even if his heart aches to see her this sad, he's also a little bit relieved. This is better than drowning things out with alcohol, and he's just hypocritical enough to think that letting things out is the better way to do things when it's anyone but him.]

[aigue]

I don't - [She takes another deep breath.] I don't need to. I'm fine.

[It's a terrible lie, she knows, but she's used to burying things rather than dealing with them.]

[advanced]

[He hesitates a moment and then gives her a sudden and firm tug, to pull her almost fully into his lap so that he can hold her more completely.]

Liar.

[aigue]

[She doesn't bother trying to fight him on that because, frankly, having him this close feels really nice. But she will make a valiant attempt to stop crying, taking deep breaths and rubbing her eyes.]

I'm not lying.

[advanced]

If you have to fight it that bad, you're lying. Just let it out, Renart, I ain't gonna judge you for needing to cry.

[Because he's the poster boy for letting out his emotions in a healthy way.]

[aigue]

I'm fine.

[She scowls, looking away from him.]

Crying won't help anything.

[advanced]

You cried before you knew I was awake, what makes it different now?

[Nothing. Nothing makes it different.]

[aigue]

A moment of weakness, that's all. Nothing important.

[advanced]

You think crying is weakness?

[It's asked in a carefully non-judgemental tone.]

[aigue]

I don't want to talk about it.

[She shifts to move off of him.]

I want to go back to bed.

[advanced]

[He obligingly moves back to where he's been sat against the wall, arguing about it isn't going to make her any more likely to let it out.

The best thing he can do is let her have her space.]

[aigue]

[She's a little reluctant to move, honestly, but it's better than him trying to talk to her about her feelings. Wanting nothing to do with those, she crawls back onto the mattress and curls up again.

She'll be spending the rest of the night trying very hard to stay silent, so that doesn't happen again.]

[advanced]

[He waits for a couple of hours, but she's obviously still holding it in and yet by the tension in her spine she's probably not asleep. It's a good job it's dark, it makes speaking personal things a little easier. Not easy, but easier.]

I cried almost every day for a week after the first time I went to the Smithsonian.

[aigue]

[Sleep is about the last thing on her mind right now, despite feeling utterly exhausted. She doesn't even want to think about what kinds of dreams she might have - they'd probably involve Monty, and she doesn't think she can handle that right now.

So she's fully awake when he speaks up, silent for a few moments before answering quietly.]

You've never mentioned that before.

[advanced]

You might not have noticed, but I don't mention a lot of things.

[He knows he can be as close mouthed as a clam sometimes. A lot of the time. All the time. It's only in moments like this, often when he thinks it might help someone else he cares about rather than when the focus is on him, that he unbends a little.]

[aigue]

[She's quiet again, wanting to ask if he didn't mention it because he thought it would be embarrassing, like she thinks. It's Bucky, for all she knows he simply thought it wasn't relevant during their conversations.

She draws in a deep breath.]

Did it ever help?

[advanced]

[This is one of the times of his recovery that he doesn't talk about much, the confusing two or three months between the fight on the helicarriers and gaining some semblance of being a person again. It's hard to talk about because it's hard to think about, his memories of that time are jagged and confusing, like looking through a broken kaleidoscope.

He's silent for about two minutes as he orders his thoughts, he doesn't want to lie to her.]

Not at first, I got really mad at myself because I didn't understand. Everything was still confusing, I didn't remember much of anything, and I thought I was malfunctioning. Weapons don't have emotions, you see, they don't feel. But then I just got sad, and tired, and it made me question things. Like-- if I was a weapon, if HYDRA had been telling the truth, how was I feeling these things? Maybe Steve had told the truth, and maybe the exhibit wasn't all a big lie. I think it helped in a way, it was the first really human thing I'd done in a long time, it opened the door for other things.

[aigue]

Oh.

[From her tone it's clear she wishes he had stopped at No. That would have been a lot easier to hear, that it's pointless and she's right to just shove everything down as usual.]

I'm glad it helped you.

[At least she can be honest about that.]

[advanced]

I think it would help you too, if you'd let it.

[It's gentle, but it's not like he hasn't made the point clear enough.]

[aigue]

I don't know.

[She hesitates, sniffling a little, because the desire to cry hasn't exactly gone away, before sitting up.]

I'm scared of how I'll feel after.