PSL for Renart

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[Sometimes when he has other people stay over, which is way more often than he ever thought he would, he wonders if he should get an actual bed rather than a mattress on the floor covered by a sleeping bag.]

So. Uh.

[aigue]

[She knows exactly what she wants to do, but broaching it with Bucky without utterly terrifying him is... not the easiest. And she isn't in the mood to flirt with him, for obvious reasons.

She hugs her legs, wrapping her tail around herself.]

The only things I want to do right now are curl up and get drunk, or sleep with you.

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[He is so not equipped for this conversation, but at least he can take comfort in the fact that he doesn't think anyone is equipped for this kind of conversation.]

You want to do both of those things because they'll distract you from being sad.

[He sits on the floor facing her.]

Pretty sure that makes both of them bad ideas.

[aigue]

[He's right, both of those are a distraction from feeling devastated Monty is gone.]

How is being distracted bad? It'll make me feel better.

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For a little while, maybe. But you need to feel sad about Monty, or it'll never heal, you'll just keep papering the cracks forever.

[He hesitates a moment, but she deserves the whole truth.]

And I'm not that selfless. If we ever did-- I don't want you to be using me to get over another guy, I'd want to be the reason you wanted to be there.

[aigue]

[She knows it's reasonable to not want to just be a rebound, but she feels hurt regardless and she's feeling enough like selfish garbage that she isn't going to try and hide her disappointed expression.]

Fine.

[She abruptly turns and flops over onto the mattress, curling up into a ball with her back facing him, not looking like she's intending to move for a long time.]

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[Well, great.

He has no idea if he could have got through that without making her annoyed with him, but if there was a way then clearly he didn't find it. Perhaps he should just be glad that she's still there and hasn't stalked off to find some alcohol.

He decides against saying anything more, and just settles against the wall a short distance away to wait for morning. He won't sleep. He doesn't sleep well if there's someone else in his space, even if he trusts them, so he'll wile away the night hours trying to figure out how to handle the awkward conversation that morning might bring.]

[aigue]

[She remains in that position well into the night, not saying a word to Bucky. It's childish but she's annoyed at him, and since she doesn't have anything to serve as a distraction - not even sleep - eventually she's going to start sniffling.

It's only a little at first, but soon she'll be shaking as she quietly cries.]

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[At first he's not sure if she's awake or asleep, it's only when the he pays closer attention that he hears the muffled sobbing.

Quietly he shifts closer, reaching out to rest his hand on her shaking shoulder.]

Hey-- it's gonna be okay.

[aigue]

[She gives a small jerk away from his hand, immediately starting to suck in deep breaths to force her sobs to calm down. It's rare that she cries, and she's already feeling embarrassed about it.]

N - no it isn't.

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You should cry for him.

[Even if his heart aches to see her this sad, he's also a little bit relieved. This is better than drowning things out with alcohol, and he's just hypocritical enough to think that letting things out is the better way to do things when it's anyone but him.]

[aigue]

I don't - [She takes another deep breath.] I don't need to. I'm fine.

[It's a terrible lie, she knows, but she's used to burying things rather than dealing with them.]

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[He hesitates a moment and then gives her a sudden and firm tug, to pull her almost fully into his lap so that he can hold her more completely.]

Liar.

[aigue]

[She doesn't bother trying to fight him on that because, frankly, having him this close feels really nice. But she will make a valiant attempt to stop crying, taking deep breaths and rubbing her eyes.]

I'm not lying.

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If you have to fight it that bad, you're lying. Just let it out, Renart, I ain't gonna judge you for needing to cry.

[Because he's the poster boy for letting out his emotions in a healthy way.]

[aigue]

I'm fine.

[She scowls, looking away from him.]

Crying won't help anything.

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You cried before you knew I was awake, what makes it different now?

[Nothing. Nothing makes it different.]

[aigue]

A moment of weakness, that's all. Nothing important.

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You think crying is weakness?

[It's asked in a carefully non-judgemental tone.]

[aigue]

I don't want to talk about it.

[She shifts to move off of him.]

I want to go back to bed.

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[He obligingly moves back to where he's been sat against the wall, arguing about it isn't going to make her any more likely to let it out.

The best thing he can do is let her have her space.]

[aigue]

[She's a little reluctant to move, honestly, but it's better than him trying to talk to her about her feelings. Wanting nothing to do with those, she crawls back onto the mattress and curls up again.

She'll be spending the rest of the night trying very hard to stay silent, so that doesn't happen again.]

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[He waits for a couple of hours, but she's obviously still holding it in and yet by the tension in her spine she's probably not asleep. It's a good job it's dark, it makes speaking personal things a little easier. Not easy, but easier.]

I cried almost every day for a week after the first time I went to the Smithsonian.

[aigue]

[Sleep is about the last thing on her mind right now, despite feeling utterly exhausted. She doesn't even want to think about what kinds of dreams she might have - they'd probably involve Monty, and she doesn't think she can handle that right now.

So she's fully awake when he speaks up, silent for a few moments before answering quietly.]

You've never mentioned that before.

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You might not have noticed, but I don't mention a lot of things.

[He knows he can be as close mouthed as a clam sometimes. A lot of the time. All the time. It's only in moments like this, often when he thinks it might help someone else he cares about rather than when the focus is on him, that he unbends a little.]