PSL for Renart

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[It's been a long time since they last kissed, since their declarations of love and the conversation where they agreed it could never be. She's damn right that this makes him feel awkward. And sad, incredibly sad, because it seems like she's just trying to cling to anything she can to mask the pain of losing Monty.

His smile is soft and sad around the edges.]

Pretty sure you'd regret it.

[aigue]

[He's absolutely right. With her friends and entire life gone, with Monty gone - right now it feels like all she has left is sitting here in this small, bunker-like home.]

I wouldn't.

[More like, she isn't going to entertain the thought of regretting this later.]

Would you?

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[He's not sure if she's asking if he would regret it, or if he would kiss her. Either way, the answer takes some thinking about. He tries not to lie to her, but sometimes working out the tangle in his own head is difficult.]

I'd regret it if it hurt you later, and I'd regret knowing that I was just a proxy for Monty. But the kiss itself? No, I wouldn't regret that, I haven't regretted the others.

[aigue]

You aren't a proxy.

[That's all she's going to say. Whether it's true or not is another matter, but she doesn't want him feeling like he's lesser to Monty.

Because after she says that she's leaning in to press her lips against his.]

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[Even though it's been months since they last kissed, the feel of her lips against his still feels oddly familiar. It awakens the small whisper in the back of his head that sounds like Steve's voice, the one that tells him to grab onto anything that makes him happy because he deserves it after all this time.

He returns the kiss, soft and tender, but only for a few moments before he pulls back. She's going to regret this, he knows it. She'll feel guilty, like she cheated on Monty when he wasn't even cold in his grave.]

Maybe not usually, but tonight I would be.

[aigue]

That isn't true.

[She's sounding a little more forceful, knowing that it's better for both of them if he isn't despite the reality. Desperation is creeping in as she doesn't move.]

I want to stay the night. Without the tribbles, I can drop them off with Gabriel.

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Wasn't going to let you be alone anyway.

[It feels cruel to lay down ground rules, to stop whatever this is before it begins. But tonight is the wrong time, if there even is a right time, and it would sour things between them to let it go ahead.]

You can take the mattress, I'll take the floor.

[aigue]

[Well, that's about half of what she wants. But half isn't enough.]

You don't have to sleep on the floor.

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[He reaches across and cups her cheek, thumb tracing a soft pattern over her cheek.]

I do. It wouldn't be right, Renart.

[aigue]

[His touch makes her lower lip tremble, and she abruptly pulls away to go gather the tribbles.]

I don't care if it is or not.

[They're attacking the last remnants of the hot dogs, and once she's scooped them up she moves to the door to get her boots on.]

I'm taking them to Gabriel.

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[He doesn't want to make her cry, he doesn't want to hurt her more. Why do all the situations that might end in them coming together in some way will cause hurt in one way or another?

He doesn't answer, he just watches her in silence as she gathers the tribbles and walks out. He waits until she's gone before turning off the movie that neither of them really were watching, and starting to pace.

What the hell does he do?]

[aigue]

[Once she's outside she moves quickly, not wanting to chance running into anyone she knows. Being social feels impossible right now, and even Gabriel is only going to get a few curt instructions when she arrives at his place. Thank god he's willing to be a fox babysitter, not having four wriggly baby fox-things on her plate for a little while will help.

Probably. She's aware she isn't exactly making the best choices right now, but she doesn't care.

Once the tribbles have been dropped off she turns and heads straight back to Bucky's, not even sure he'll be there when she returns. He may very well have left, at least for a short time, to avoid any awkwardness. Let her go to bed on her own, or something, even though that's the last thing she wants right now.

When she returns to his place she finds herself taking a deep breath before entering.]

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[Even though his natural tendency at times like this is to flee in the face of difficult emotional situations, he's still there when she gets back. He said she wouldn't be alone tonight and he tries not to break his word.

He doesn't look comfortable when she comes in, a small frown of worry marring his brow.]

--that was fast.

[aigue]

Gabriel and I have talked about him babysitting before, so I wasn't springing it on him out of nowhere.

[Which absolutely does not fully explain how speedy she was, but such as it is. After removing her boots she moves to sit on the mattress.]

... So.

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[Sometimes when he has other people stay over, which is way more often than he ever thought he would, he wonders if he should get an actual bed rather than a mattress on the floor covered by a sleeping bag.]

So. Uh.

[aigue]

[She knows exactly what she wants to do, but broaching it with Bucky without utterly terrifying him is... not the easiest. And she isn't in the mood to flirt with him, for obvious reasons.

She hugs her legs, wrapping her tail around herself.]

The only things I want to do right now are curl up and get drunk, or sleep with you.

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[He is so not equipped for this conversation, but at least he can take comfort in the fact that he doesn't think anyone is equipped for this kind of conversation.]

You want to do both of those things because they'll distract you from being sad.

[He sits on the floor facing her.]

Pretty sure that makes both of them bad ideas.

[aigue]

[He's right, both of those are a distraction from feeling devastated Monty is gone.]

How is being distracted bad? It'll make me feel better.

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For a little while, maybe. But you need to feel sad about Monty, or it'll never heal, you'll just keep papering the cracks forever.

[He hesitates a moment, but she deserves the whole truth.]

And I'm not that selfless. If we ever did-- I don't want you to be using me to get over another guy, I'd want to be the reason you wanted to be there.

[aigue]

[She knows it's reasonable to not want to just be a rebound, but she feels hurt regardless and she's feeling enough like selfish garbage that she isn't going to try and hide her disappointed expression.]

Fine.

[She abruptly turns and flops over onto the mattress, curling up into a ball with her back facing him, not looking like she's intending to move for a long time.]

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[Well, great.

He has no idea if he could have got through that without making her annoyed with him, but if there was a way then clearly he didn't find it. Perhaps he should just be glad that she's still there and hasn't stalked off to find some alcohol.

He decides against saying anything more, and just settles against the wall a short distance away to wait for morning. He won't sleep. He doesn't sleep well if there's someone else in his space, even if he trusts them, so he'll wile away the night hours trying to figure out how to handle the awkward conversation that morning might bring.]

[aigue]

[She remains in that position well into the night, not saying a word to Bucky. It's childish but she's annoyed at him, and since she doesn't have anything to serve as a distraction - not even sleep - eventually she's going to start sniffling.

It's only a little at first, but soon she'll be shaking as she quietly cries.]

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[At first he's not sure if she's awake or asleep, it's only when the he pays closer attention that he hears the muffled sobbing.

Quietly he shifts closer, reaching out to rest his hand on her shaking shoulder.]

Hey-- it's gonna be okay.

[aigue]

[She gives a small jerk away from his hand, immediately starting to suck in deep breaths to force her sobs to calm down. It's rare that she cries, and she's already feeling embarrassed about it.]

N - no it isn't.

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You should cry for him.

[Even if his heart aches to see her this sad, he's also a little bit relieved. This is better than drowning things out with alcohol, and he's just hypocritical enough to think that letting things out is the better way to do things when it's anyone but him.]