PSL for Renart

[advanced]

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[aigue]

[Her eyes widen when he says he actually told people. That's the exact opposite of her - when something like this happens, it's better to hide it as much as possible to avoid a witch hunt.]

How did people react to that? They didn't make you remove your arm, right?

[advanced]

No, it had to come off. Frostbite.

[He clarifies that first, the arm had needed to be removed for a while.]

People weren't happy, but there wasn't much they could do to me, there wasn't exactly a jail there. It didn't help that John and a couple of others kept jumping in to defend me. In the end they put me on a dangerous persons list, so any new arrival would be warned.

[aigue]

[She frowns severely at all of that. God knows how painful removing a frostbitten metal arm must have been, but worse is that dangerous persons list. What would they have done if they had been in a better position to do more? What if Norfinbury were more like the Meadous?]

I'm sorry. [It feels so stupid to say that.] You shouldn't have had to go through any of it. You don't deserve it. You aren't a bad person.

[advanced]

I did deserve that, if nothing else. I chose to hurt John, and I was in my right mind at the time, it wouldn't have been right to get away with it.

[Why do all of his friends want to protect him from the consequences that he deserves?]

I pretty much crippled him, in a place where being unable to walk was a death sentence, being put on some list was nothing.

[aigue]

[He's right about all of that, logically, and she knows she's biased... but she still thinks it was wrong. And she's at least grateful they didn't do anything worse than a list.]

I suppose just being thankful they didn't start a full witch hunt should be enough.

[advanced]

Pretty sure they only didn't because Natasha, Clint, and John threatened them not to.

[He knows a few people, especially ones like Davesprite, were ready to get out the pitchforks.]

...bunch of idiots, I told them to stay out of it and they didn't listen.

[aigue]

It's a good thing they didn't.

[No matter what he says she doesn't think he deserved a witch hunt.]

It's good you had friends willing to stick up for you there. You weren't alone.

[advanced]

[He'd argue more about this, but it seems somehow insensitive to row with her when he's supposed to be trying to comfort her after Monty's disappearance. So all he offers is a noncommittal grunt which could mean anything.]

...what about you? Tell me about the friends you had in the place you were in before.

[aigue]

In Between?

[She sounds reluctant.]

You really want to hear about them?

[advanced]

Sure.

[He frowns slightly in her direction, noting the reluctant tone.]

Unless you don't want to.

[aigue]

Well....

There was another immortal there. We got off to a rocky start, but wound up being friends.

[Methos was an okay guy, it would be nice if he were here.]

[advanced]

Seems like that's how friends are made in my experience.

[Literally all of his friendships have been rocky starts.]

[aigue]

I suppose....

[A lot of her friendships started like that, too.]

I doubt most people start with one of them cutting the other's head off, but it's a fun story now.

[advanced]

Oh. Yeah, maybe not quite to that level.

[Sometimes he forgets just how extreme her form of immortality is.]

But John and I became friends after that night in the aquarium, proper friends, so I know about making friends though bad decisions of violence.

[aigue]

I'm glad the aquarium thing didn't come between you.

[Despite having all kinds of problems with John he isn't that bad of a guy.]

And that he's here with you.

[advanced]

Me too. I wish Steve could've stayed longer.

[Maybe that's insensitive to say when she's dealing with her own loss at the moment.]

Feels like he just got here and he was gone again.

[aigue]

[She doesn't mind. It actually helps, knowing he's had to deal with this too.]

That's how it feels with Monty.

[She hesitates, her voice getting softer.]

It feels like I'm never going to see him again.

[advanced]

I wish I could tell you that you will.

[Maybe the Bucky of old would have done, just offered a comforting platitude, and perhaps that would have been a kindness.]

You might not, and maybe he'll be back tomorrow. But even if you don't, at least you had what time you had, right?

[aigue]

That should be enough, shouldn't it?

[But she doesn't sound reassured.]

It isn't. I'm too selfish to be satisfied with just memories.

[advanced]

I don't think anyone thinks it's enough when it happens to them.

[There's no easy answer here, no quick fix for the pain of loss.]

It's not fair, but some day you'll find that it hurts less, that's just how it works.

[aigue]

I don't know.

[She could just agree with him and end the conversation there. It's how she usually deals with pain, by dismissing it as nothing. But he'd be unhappy if she knew she was doing that, and it isn't healthy.]

Fairy Tales remember so much, it all goes into our Stories. I could push it all down but it would still be there any time I opened it up and thought about him.

[advanced]

I'm not saying you should push it down, just that remembering will hurt less in time. It'll be an ache, not a stab.

[At least that's what he's been told.]

[aigue]

I don't want an ache, I want Monty back.

[advanced]

...sometimes we have to learn to live with what we don't want.

[Sorry, Renart, that's the sad truth.]

[aigue]

[That miserable feeling is sinking in again. She sniffs.]

That's my entire life. I'm sick of it.